What have I screwed up lately?
This morning, as usual, I realized I was experiencing anxiety feelings and, as usual, I told myself to just breathe through it. I reminded myself to take long deep breaths and that everything was going to be okay because I know I have a Divine support team watching out for me and that the Universe has my back. This is true for everyone. I am no exception and I choose to believe this support is here for me.
So, what makes me so anxious? It’s remnants of this program that I still have running in my head somewhere that says “What have you screwed up lately?” and it is always searching, like a subliminal searchlight ceaselessly sweeping my thoughts and actions.
It was a program that was implanted in me a long time ago and continuously reinforced through subtle yet effective phrasing. It was designed to keep me in the feeling of lacking, or less than, as it appealed directly to my ego. My ego wants to be right and important and worthy and to find faults and have them be uncovered and measured kept me small and diminished. This process kept me believing that I lacked, well, everything. I lacked perfection, cleverness, the “right” answer and the “right” protocol. I lacked the correct timing, the right amount of strength, I lacked, well you get the idea.
What I am understanding is that by allowing the remnants of this program to still have any hold over me is like I am saying “yeah, I kind of want to stay in my ego”. The ego lives in the duality. The ego is the one who checks the right/wrong, smart/stupid, strong/weak boxes and keeps me separated from the Oneness. So, the more I am in my ego, the less I am in tune with the Oneness.
I ask myself then “why would you want to be less in Oneness?” The ego is a wily thing, and it says “hey, if you stay over here you get to keep judging and even though you don’t so much judge other people, you get to have the real jewel, you get to keep judging yourself! If you be more in Oneness, you won’t get to judge yourself……!”
Maybe I’m anxious because I’m on the verge of letting go of this program and all remnants of it and it is a little scary because I’ve lived there in that zone for many years and I might get a little closer to self-love. What lies ahead is new territory, another and deeper layer of not judging myself. It comes back to self-love and self-healing, the building blocks of the Ataana Healing Method.
So how do I fix this? When I hear that little voice say “what have you screwed up lately?” I will immediately change it to “where is the area I can love myself more?” This will put me into the grace of Oneness in that moment. If I can see something that I once would have viewed as lacking in me as instead something that requires my unconditional love. Then I am seeing this part of me as I would see another person, animal, or thing. It’s like they say, “Oneness is I am you looking back at me and you are me looking back at you” and you know what? I love you!
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