If I'm good can I be included

Sometimes when you think a friend has changed and your relationship doesn’t feel good anymore it is not the friend who changed but you.

I have realized that my view of friendships while in my dependency traits part of my life was based on being “in”. I often thought it was because I wanted to be part of the inner circle, or the in crowd and knew that I was never qualified so if I bared myself to a friend, no boundaries, I think I thought it would somehow get me “in” to that friend. I have realized that being outside of the in crowd and not being allowed in was part of the program that kept me small and lacking in my adult life. This doesn’t manifest as desiring to be “popular”, rather it is more a feeling of “I’m not included”. This pattern was pervasive throughout my adult life before I started my energy healing in both work and family areas.

Also, though, the desire to be “in” with a friend I now realize was prodded by the need to please the friend so that I would be rewarded. That reward may be a chance to be included, or just a nice pat on the head for good behavior.

The thing that I am understanding here is that this motivation is based on approval and acceptance which then means that I am feeling “less than” which is a quality of lack. My sexual abuse as a child taught me that the less boundaries I had the less pain there would be. I fought at first but that just brought more pain so it was much easier to just let go of boundaries and go numb. No boundaries and the need for approval or acceptance makes for a recipe of unbalanced friendships.

Even when the friend is of the utmost authenticity and love, if I am coming at it from that unbalanced place it is not a balanced friendship. There was a time when I felt spurned by a particular friend. At least I thought this person was my friend but it could very well be that since I only wanted to please and I didn’t have a healthy boundary line that it was more about pleasing my ego and re-enforcing a program that said I wasn’t good enough.

Only by stepping out of that pattern of “please let me in to be a part of your life, I promise I’ll be a good girl” and replacing it with “I am whole and complete within myself, I am navigating this life to the best of my abilities, when I am true to myself and practicing unconditional love I am doing okay and need not be rewarded with a pat on the head, my reward is the unconditional love I give myself” can I be a true authentic person and share in a balanced friendship.

Namaste, Sat Nam

1 Comment

  1. Teresa W on May 12, 2017 at 7:25 pm

    Very insightful and thought provoking. My favorite parts are “I am whole and complete within myself” and “my reward is the unconditional love I give myself”. I am so grateful we are friends!

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