They say ‘walk through your fear’ like it’s an easy thing to do; ‘just find your courage and take a step forward’.
When someone has spent a lifetime in shame programming whether self-inflicted or not, the fear of being further shamed is sometimes paralyzing.
Sometimes this fear isn’t even conscious, we just know that something is too big and we find reasons why it won’t work to try it. I remember many times when my husband would be exasperated with me because I couldn’t get something done. He would shake his head and raise his arms and say, “just do it!” This could be something as simple as making a phone call to a business. A phone call. There were times when calling a business and discussing my business with them was simply too much. I had no idea why, I just know I would find all sorts of excuses why I didn’t get it done.
I know now, after healing work through energy healing that when I was abused as a small child I lost my voice. I was told that I was not worthy and since a big part of my abuse was spiritual abuse I took it to heart. I tested the waters for a while, speaking out and speaking my mind a few times when I was a teenager and in college but as life went on and I encountered shame for speaking up more and more, I put my own clamps on my voice. There must have been some kind of subconscious self-talk that went something like: “just shut up before you get branded again, just close your mouth lest they hear you and you get in trouble, just swallow your words because no one want’s to hear what you have to say anyway.” I agreed to a life where my words were grammar checked on a daily basis. I always critiqued myself, ‘did I sound intelligent enough? Did I speak clearly enough? Did I use the correct grammar? Was I careful not to let on about my authentic feelings and make sure that I was portraying a correct facade?’
I am an energy healer and I know that when I am working with a person in their session that I do good work. I know that I am pure in my intention to support them and to be a clear conduit for the healing energy to flow and support them in their healing. I know that my voice is open in that session and that I give clear and supportive guidance. And writing this while I hear myself think it is one thing, pushing that button that puts this ‘out there’ for people to read scares the hell out of me.
Fear. Fear of being seen. Fear of being heard. Fear of speaking.
Here’s the thing, though. Today while doing my energy work, my self-healing, I discovered that the real root of that fear, or at least what is remaining after so much has been healed and transformed, is the fear of ‘what if I’m not that good? What if I put myself out there and people don’t agree with me?’. The irrational fear is; ‘what if I’m only fooling myself or others and I’m really just a fraud?’ Where does that come from? Whose voice is that? It doesn’t feel good when I realize those thoughts because it doesn’t vibrate in harmony with the rest of me, my soul. So where does that fear come from? It has to be a voice in my head, a program that is designed to thwart my quest to experience and realize Oneness.
Since I have lived a conventional life and am going through the process of waking up and transforming consciously, I am pretty good at giving people practical advice and tips on how to move forward one step at a time.
So here goes, this is where I put my money where my mouth is. I am going to speak, and I am going to put it out there so people can hear me. Some may not want to hear what I have to say and that is okay. I am going to practice using my voice, every day, even if it is just one word.