Broken little girl

Sometimes lessons are painful. I am still sorting out this latest one for me and in doing so, am trying to avoid the snarky, catty, passive aggressive voices within me, and focus on transforming the causal patterns instead. There is the work, figuring out the causal patterns. As I have said before, I have been pretty wrapped up in dependency traits for all of my adult life.
Now, with my energy healing, I am able to see the web of these traits that I had created and kept myself in for so long. I have been healing and transforming these dependency traits and doing the work of extricating myself from the web. One of the building blocks of this web of dependency traits is shame. Shame triggers over time develop dependent traits in order to soften the blow of the trigger. Sometimes, a trigger seemingly comes out of nowhere and Bam! I am in a full-blown shame response. This may be familiar to most of you reading this, many of us have these patterns and responses.

I strive for humility. I am not always very good at it and sometimes step into my ego before I even know it. I think that is what has happened in my life recently. Perhaps I tried to fit in where I don’t fit, seeing a friendship where there was none.

Being dependent on others for my happiness for all of my adult life has trained me to unhealthy habits. These come in subtle forms such as; being overly giving in relationships but with the subconscious notion that in the over giving, I would be compensated with approval and friendship in return (good puppy, pat on the head sort of thing), or being overly trusting and lacking boundaries, or being passive-aggressive or manipulative. It is hard for me to see these last two because when in victim mode I don’t see myself as having enough power to devise a manipulative or passive-aggressive strategy, but I do know that they are likely there.

I’m feeling rejected, debased, angry, and a little less hopeful for the future. This has been happening during a “Super Moon” event and I know that it is directly related to the infusion of more light into my system and revealing any lingering darkness or negativity. I do not know if I will achieve Oneness consciousness during this lifetime, but I do know that I am certainly still hanging on to duality aspects. What is happening to me right now is an indicator of that.

There must still be programming within me that says, “I need to be approved of and accepted by authority figures and friends, I need to work hard and struggle to achieve approval and acceptance, I should achieve these things and if I don’t, I should be ashamed of myself for the lack of accomplishment”. I am going to label this the “broken little girl” program for simplicity.

I know this to not be the truth because I know that by being born here I am pre-approved. I know that I am connected to Source and in that connection, I am divine and do not need anything from anyone else. I know that I am the creator of my life and that life is to be enjoyed. The contrast in life is to be seen with acknowledgment of the growth and expansion that comes with it. That is why I know that the broken little girl program is just that, a program that was either implanted in me or that I developed over time through the repetitive affirmation of duality aspects.

I don’t need to be accepted by others. We all have our own lives and our own paths to follow—independently. Any ‘station’ I feel I need to rise to or have fallen from is imaginary and can only be there when comparing myself to others; which is neither necessary nor healthy. My anger comes from being admonished, spurned, and being treated dismissively. These actions go straight to the wheelhouse of my broken little girl program, but also beg the question, “who am I angry with?”. Am I angry at others? Or am I angry with myself for allowing their actions to have such an emotional impact on me? I believe the answer is that I am angry with myself for not seeing the land mines before me. I believe the anger comes from not being aware. This sense of lack of awareness then leads to a little less hope for the future.

While processing this, I have been reminding myself and affirming, “I am okay. Everything is going to be all right. Focus on something else. Your future is bright. Do your energy work.” And that is exactly what I am doing.

It always comes back to ourselves. Even though it may feel like someone else has done something “to” me, or you, it is still all about us and not them. Pain can only be felt in the separation from Oneness, in our duality. And, pain is felt internally so it is inherently individual, which means it is the individual who feels the pain who is the one to resolve it.

Self-healing and self-love are the answers. I love myself enough to heal and transform any patterns within me that keep me tethered to the duality consciousness and therefore pain. I increase my self-love to the highest level possible. I call all my power back to me; I am whole and complete. My life, my journey, my emotions, my healing. Here we go.